Moans From Old Bones

Nookie at the Nook

2006-12-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

Quick note, dragged myself off the sofa to visit the seal colony last week only to discover that they had excellent coverage on BBC two, Natures calendar, that I could see without having to leave the house. Its a funny thing but we never seem to appreciate things that are on our own door step, but at least the seals do.

Bring on the Wichetty Grubs

2006-12-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

Did I make light of my arm injury in my last post? Did I? I certainly did. The injection wore off and for the last month I have been practically a couch potato, swallowing ibruprofen by the sackful, emitting pitiful moans and when not watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here, sleeping my life away.

On TV the other day, the presenters were discussing their phobias with regard to the Celebrity jungle trials. One said she was frightened to take down the curtains and she was absolutely right to be so, take it from me, Curtains are dangerous. Bring on the wichetty
grubs.

Load of old Tosh

2006-10-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Gorgeous Graham, busy decorating inside and out of the Hertfordshire house, kept insisting, that since he had only tendered a low estimate, it was a TOSH job.
A new one on me but I've taken quite a fancy to it, so since I've got the aforementioned bad arm, I would like to inform everyone that most of the jobs I am doing are only tosh jobs.
(the spell checker hadn't heard of it either.)

Nearly Curtains for Me

2006-10-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

This post is just, that little bit painful for me. While putting up the curtains at work, I over stretched myself and ow. Left arm in excruciating agony, I even had to visit the Doctors. One injection later,- what was that in the syringe?- I am now recovering, but suffering when having to carry heavy bags. Not good in my line of work, but at least the Doctor will know I am still alive, as the last visit I made was in 2002 or 2003 and I didn't have a clue what his name was - (or her) because its a new one. Does that make sense? I will stop this moan as no matter what, I don't think... these things are difficult to measure... I am in as much agony as my buddy Frank with his knee. All the best Frank.

Artifact Adventures

2006-09-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Paul and I did a whistle stop tour of the British Museum the other day.

Our findings were as follows:

It is a proper museum.

We had no idea totem poles were so tall.

Elgins marbles might as well be returned to Greece, if the Greeks really would like them - otherwise perhaps Maria might like them in her garden in Melbourne. We arrived at this conclusion since we were told the plaster cast copies were better than the originals.

It was a shame nearly all the willies on the statues had dropped off.

It is difficult to view the Egyptian Section without humming Indiana Jones' signature tune.

The Rosetta stone works on the same principle as the original HP sauce bottles -cette sauce de haut qualite etc etc

The staff are very helpful and obliging and they do a good quality carrier bag.

Trying to keep my head

2006-09-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

Climbing into the back seat of a taxi and almost getting my throat cut by the seatbelt, I was forcibly reminded of the TV advertisement for booster seats for the young teenagers, who are apparently at risk of being decapitated.

Why is it that the manufacturers can't anchor the rear seatbelts just that little bit further forward?

I suppose none of them are back seat drivers.

STAR WARS REVUE

2006-09-09T16:20:00.001-07:00

We went to the One Man Star Wars Show last Friday. It is performed by a chap called Charles Ross. He was very talented and so very, very funny. He did the original 3 Starwars films on his own, the performance lasting one hour.

During this time he did the opening overtures, he enacted all the characters and the starship battles and at the same time made many comedy asides. All with no props or scenery whatsoever

Even someone like me, who has only a hazy idea about Starwars, was able to follow the plot and recognize the characters. I really don't know where he got the energy from. On the stage he was continually moving about and never stopped dialogue or sound effects.

If you do get the opportunity to see him please do go because it is an evening of excellent entertainment.

The warm up comedian, on first was very funny too, especially impressive because there were some children in the audience and so he couldn't rely on the crude and lewd for his laughs.

Our party thought the comment about the internet being quiet, because of the Starwars show especially apt.

His name was Matthew, and he came from Sunderland, but I was too convulsed to get more details, but be sure that young man will be on TV before long.

It was a great evening both men worked hard to get an excellent rapport with the audience, - laughter is the best medicine, thank you Matthew and thank you Charles!

www.onemanstarwars.com

Keeping Fit for Life with Jim

2006-09-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've been introduced to Jim whilst staying in Berkshire.

Jim lives in the souls of the enlightened. But he was born in a small house in Coventry.

Jim says 'Once you have 40 channels, a home computer, a good sound system, a great jacket and enough money for a holiday in the Caribbean, you can give up.'

Di says, ' just about sums up life in Berks.'

Jim says, 'There is nothing on the telly.'

Di says, 'just about sums up life in Berks.'

Jim says, 'It is easier to ride the bus in the direction it's going.'

Di says, ' just about sums up life in Berks.'

Jim says, 'You must listen to the looney on the bus. Remember everything that the looney says. Then tell your friends and you'll have a good laugh about it later.'

Di says, ' Why does the looney on the bus always have to sit next to me?'

Travelers Tales

2006-08-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Off tomorrow, and so far drains have run freely. I hope that's the end of it.

It is now possible that the next long running saga will be entitled:

"There's a moose a loose about the hoose."

Kenny has suggested I don't travel without a trap, as Hertfordshire is over run with vermin.

Last words, some of them coming from Bryan. I seem to do more travelling that Travellers and still have to pay council tax.

Better News

2006-08-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you in the know, updates are as follows.

Sue is home - and talking (but not about me I hope).
Barb is considering putting herself on the kidney transplant list - but not if someone younger wants it first.
My favourite nephew is back at work, at long last today, cos the steroids are kicking in.

Smiles all round.

Missed the Boat

2006-08-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

I was devastated to see on my home page that Paddy Powers has organised the first Strip Poker World Championship.

We are holding the competition because we got so much interest from our spoof April Fool this year about a strip poker competition that we thought, 'why not? let's do it for real," Paddy Power's Darren Haines told Reuters on Friday.
He said players of both sexes from over 12 countries would battle it out for the "Gold Fig Leaf" trophy and the right to revel in the title of World Strip Poker Champion.
Aside from strict rules governing the poker play, Paddy Power has laid down clear guidelines on the stripping element -- most importantly that each player starts the match by wearing five items of clothing supplied by the organisers.
Each contestant will be given a towel to sit on and to cover themselves when naked, but only after they have stripped completely.
"Inappropriate behaviour," will not be tolerated, said Paddy Power.

Nobody invited me.

Potty Party

2006-08-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

Someone - who shall remain nameless - they know who they are - suggested that as it is coming up to the anniversary of my drains, we should hold a party to commemorate this.

I am in full agreement - providing everyone brings their own portaloo.

Keystone Kops?

2006-08-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

A friend of the family was walking along minding her own business the other week, when she was attacked by an alsatian dog. She was left with two nasty wounds and a substantial number of stitches, and even now there is doubt as to whether her arm will regain full movement.

Naturally, her husband contacted the police. "The SCO (scene of crime officer) will be out to see you as soon as possible," said the helpful constable at the station, "but unfortunately we have only one car and someone else is using it at the moment."

I think this one ranks up with the New Years Day night, when at 3 oclock in the morning, a policeman broke into Trish's house because he had the address wrong and was under the impression her husband was having a heart attack.

Its a bit disconcerting being woken up in the middle of the night by someone walking up your staircase, but when everything has eventually been sorted out
- taking such a time I might add that the poor chap who was actually having a heart attack down the road, died -

Its even more disconcerting to be woken up again after mere 2 hours sleep with the policeman, coming to give advice on making the house secure!

These things are actually happening out there folks.

!! SHITZU GOOD LUCK !!

2006-08-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

Take good care Sue, and make sure they take good care of you in the Hallamshire.
Sending you love and prayers.

Big Brother is watching....moi?

2006-08-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

Arriving home after going for a walk the other day that was over a mile and took me over 20 mins - the first time for a very long time- I received a national opinion poll phone call the first question of which was, 'when was the last time you took a walk lasting over 20 mins.'!!???

Never put off till tomorrow.....

2006-08-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, deeply into the spiritual matters and regularly in contact with the other side tells me she is convinced that no one departs this world, before they have done everything that fate has planned for them to do in their lifetime.

When their life's work is complete they will be called.

To that end I will be putting off the ironing for at least a week, perhaps longer.

Period of inactivity

2006-08-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Home again, August this time. On the day before I left, the chap from the council came, poured red powder down the manhole. A bucket of water and bright green liquid swept from my manhole to their manhole to the joint manhole. ergo, all running clear from my end, no need to dig up the bungalow, alls well with the world.

All well so far this trip, been home 5 days, neighbours home 3 days, what will have happened by the end of the week. Tune in for the next thrilling installment.

Is legislation what it used to be? or Cocking a Snook at Drain Law

2006-07-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

I arrive home in July. No structual work has taken place, although to quote the legal notice. Should the works not be carried out I will arrange for a Contractor to do the works in default.

(Mind you a gate and a fence have now been erected on the very spot where the drain runs.)

I ring the Council, to ask about progress. At nearly the end of the second week, I get through.
'Well, the neighbours say there is no problem so I can t understand it.'

I can't either, the neighbours have been away so far this time, and the drains are clear.

Are they using the dreaded wet wipes ?

' I will come over on Monday and put some dye down.' says the man from the council.

Legal notice now to be ignored I suppose.

I am concerned about his turn around.............................................

Deeper down the Drain

2006-07-20T03:55:00.000-07:00

Another legal notice was issued, ' this time,' I was reassured by the Council chap,' I will have the drains dug up and the problem sorted.'

I went off the work

I came home, anticipating a hassle free break.

Letter through the door.

The wicked witch has not bothered to collect her notice from the post office. Another must be issued.

Another notice came.

I went away, I came home. Nothing done, drains still bunged. I stayed one week. It is now June.

BBC LICENCE

2006-05-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

How come that when we have to pay a licence to view the BBC, they are reliant on the local council to give them a licence to entertain.
If the council were bloodyminded enough to refuse them a licence, would that invalidate them from collecting our licence fee.
If that is the case how do we nobble these councillers?

Drains the continuing saga

2006-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

So there I was the drains clear, before the legal notice kicked into action, all was right with the world.

I went home, the drains were bunged.

I rang the wicked witch.

'I'm calling about the drains,' I said.

The phone slammed down.

I rang the Council'

'Drains are bunged,' I said.
'You must try for an amicable settlement with the wicked witch'. they said.
'She put the phone down on me,' I said.
Big sigh at the other end of the line.'OK we'll deal with it.'

My phone rang.
'You cut me off'. she said
'I think not,' I said, 'anyway, I have put this into the hands of the council,no doubt they will sort it for us.'

'Well, its nothing to do with me, the drain is blocked under your house, you will have to dig it up.
I deal with the Council every day, so I know about it.'

'I am not digging my house up, ' I said, ' according to AJET Drain Service, the problem is wet wipes clogging the pipes, and I do not use them.'

'Well I have had someone to clear the drains, he says it is not my problem.'

'Did he put a camera down?'

'Yes.'

'Well perhaps, you could give me his name so I can see the report for myself.'

'I cant remember his name, and I'm not going to look now. There has always been trouble with the drains at your house.'

'Well in that case it s time it was rectifyed.'

'Do it then.'

'I've had the drains cleared out 4 times to your once, so I think it is your turn.'

'I've done them twice.'

'Really, why did you have them done the second time - I didn't ask you?'

'I'm not talking about this anymore.'

'There isn't any point, no doubt the Environmental Protection department will deal with it.'

Thus I put my faith in the Council

Deafening Discos

2006-05-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

Why oh why do discos at parties have to be so loud?
Are all dancers deaf?

Down my drain

2006-05-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

The saga of my drains began in earnest around last October. They had been blocked a couple of times before but on both occasions it seemed to be a one off so I didn't hassle about it, had 'em cleaned out and that was that.

In October they began to block - and whilst you read this you should take into account that for half the month I am usually away. So, home in early November, blocked drains, family visiting.
I sent for an enthusiastic young man from 'AJET DRAIN SERVICE'. He enthusiastically unbunged the drain.
'What's causing it?' I asked
'Its wet wipes,' he said.
'I don't use them.' I replied
'Must be the neighbours,' he said,'I'll show you.'
He waved a disgusting wodge of cottony looking stuff under my nose.
'Tell 'em,' he advised, 'I'm making a fortune out of unblocking drains bunged up with wet wipes and the like.'
He got in his van and shot off down the road.

No neighbours around, I had to rush off, so whilst away I wrote a note, requesting that care should be taken with what was being flushed down the loo.

Arrived home to find letter had been posted through my door. Drains once again bunged.
Took letter round, no one about.
Sent for enthusiastic young man.
'You will have to tell the neighbours,' he said, 'its those wipes again.'

Christmas, the family came, drains running well. Neighbours away.
New Year I went away as well.
Home at the end of January.
Drains bunged.

Went round to neighbours. Hallelujah, the neighbours are in.
'Did you get my letter?' I asked.
'Yes,' said the neighbour,'we dont use that sort of thing. Our drains are ok.'
'That's all very well,' I said 'but mine aren't, and when the drain people come they are finding the blockage in the shared sewer that leads to the main sewer in the road. They are clearing it on your property so its not my private drain that's the problem. I think I had better ring your landlady.'
He very kindly supplied me with her phone number.
I gave her a ring, and left a message on her answering machine.

No response.

After a great deal of deliberation, I hit on the idea of ringing the Council. On hearing my story the receptionist got in touch with the planning department. Coming back with, 'Private sewers are your own responsibilty.'

I said, 'I didnt intend to fork out to have my drains cleared every month when they had been bunged up by someone else's waste. Don't you have an environmental health and safety department.'

Bingo!! The wheels of the Council began to turn. After inspecting the manholes the verdict was : This is a shared responsibility, try and make an amicable agreement with next door's landlady - oh and get in touch with the waterboard, they may be able to help.

Standing over an open manhole, gazing at its disgusting contents with the man from the waterboard on the coldest, blowiest February day this year. ' Sorry,' said the waterboard man, 'not our problem. Shared responsibility.'

Up roared a 4 by 4 and out shot the wicked witch. In an unstoppable tirade we got to know that there was no problems on her property, it was obviously something that the people in that house(pointing at mine) were doing. There had always been trouble with the drains, and the woman had said that if they did get blocked her house would have to be dug up to rectify the fault.

I gathered from this the wicked witch thought I was the representative from the Council.
So I felt obliged to put an end to her tirade with the words, 'Now just hold on a minute' and inform her of my identity.

That served to make the tirade go on for another 5 minutes. Culminating in the fact that her tenants were not putting anything down the drain that shouldn't go, it was probably the fault of the people further down, it wasn't her responsibilty and it was too cold to stand outside arguing off she swept on her 4 x4 broomstick.

Seeing as I hadn't said much at all and the chap from the waterboard had maintained a discreet silence, I was a bit puzzled as to who was arguing.

'It's a joint responsibility said the waterboard man, in a quiet voice as he followed me back to my garden.

The people from the council came round later and assured me that if the drains weren't amicably cleared, they would be able to issue a legal notice to ensure that the works were jointly carried out.

'Do it' I cried,' anything to get my drains running again.'

'We'll have the notice issued before you go away again.'

'Thank you' I enthused,'I can't wait.'
'Well that's the first time anyones thanked us with issuing a legal notice.'

The notice came and off I went on my travels.

Whilst away a phone call came. The wicked witch has cleared the drains!

Halleujah!

to be continued

Credit Card Theft

2006-05-19T23:59:00.001-07:00

This 'theft ' - the card never actually left my possession - is still causing me problems 5 months later, I still cannot use it to top up my mobile without a lot of rigmarole, mind you, its a two edged sword - if it happens again the thief will have problems too. Thank goodness though, that the phone companies defrauded back in Jan/Feb were not mine or else.....????

Railway Fares

2006-05-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

I see that Parliament has been talking about Rail Fares.
As a seasoned traveller, whose job means she is forever buying 'walk on' fares, can somebody tell me why is it that buying a ticket all the way to ones destination can be more expensive than buying one to the station where you have to change trains and then buying another for the rest of the journey. Trish says ' its all right for you people who have computers and can do the research'..............
I say 'if we have time'..........

Chalets

2006-05-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

A picture of some chalets on the coast near my home, taken by my son. Early on Christmas eve morning 2005.

2006

2006-05-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

Year off to excellent start, credit card stolen